Chick-filahaustion: Why I Am Tired of the Chick-filadness


I admit it. I love Chick-fil-a. Even working there for two years in high school did not ruin my hankering for those breaded chicken cholesterol specials. It is one of those places that picks me up, and lets me acknowledge to myself that all is right with the world. Yet for us cholesterol lovers the past few years have been tough.[1] Like one commentator at a blog I read, I kinda wish the hoopla would die down already. It all seems so canned, just another staged fight between left and right to get us all riled up and sending money to our candidate of choice. Yet at the heart of the turmoil there are some ‘real’ issues at play, but I am having empathy overload on how I am supposed to feel. I confess the whole canoodle has left me just plain tired.[2]

On the one hand, I am more than a little tired at the religious right’s continued insistence on waging the losing battle known as the culture war. Thirty years of fighting, and what has the right to show for their efforts? According to their own pundits life is worse now than ever before.[3] What is the definition of insanity? Anyone with a Google machine can tell you that [pick your favorite supposed first user] said, “It’s doing the same thing over and over again; but expecting a different result.” The war ain’t working, boys, maybe try a new tactic. Regardless of how much money you spend, there will always be liberals, women, gays, and other assorted ‘losers’ in country. They will always want to be left alone. They will always want a piece of the pie. So why spend buckets of money fighting the inevitable? Could it be that if the other guy (or is it a gal, it’s so hard to tell these days, what with these skinny jeans and long hairs, am I right) , is always at fault; then you don’t have to look at your part of the problem? If everyone is worked up about how them punks is destroying America, nobody will take the time to read their mortgages, and credit card bills long enough to realize how badly they’ve been screwed just some hotshot at {insert your financial superstar here| cannot be held accountable for losing $6 billion worth of company earning while hedging the companies’ books. If everyone is fussing about them boys kissing one another, then no one is talking about how many young men and women are coming home in body bags, just so when can maintain the oil billionaires’ golden goose.  Could it be that if we stop pointing out the splinters in the other guy’s eye, everyone might notice the planks in our own? Because that would mean actually getting our house in order, and how fun could that really be? Without the gays to pick on, we might actually have people ask us to live out the self-sacrificial life of Christ as revealed in the same scriptures; we are currently using to hamstring someone else. We cannot have that happen, can we? Wait, you want me to sell all I have and give it to the poor? Socialist, out, I say, be gone, demon!

On the other hand, I am also exhausted by the petty hypocrisies of the religious left. You know, those kind, benighted souls who go on and on about tolerance; but you disagree with them or their pets beliefs at your own peril. To quote a certain leftist folk hero, and porn magnet, “free speech means we have to protect the rights of everyone, even the most foul-mouthed, and noxious forms of speech.” A quote which sounds a lot like the conservative bloggers I have read recently. For me free speech has always meant that you could say the dumbest, most ignorant thing you can think of saying; but I get also get to call B.S. Yes, we could all boycott Chick-fil-a because their C.E.O. admitted that he doesn’t like gay people; but I have never been a boycott kinda guy.[4] I get it, sometimes.[5] But if I were to stop buying from every corporation that practiced some form of practice I did not approve, my closet would be empty and my stomach rumbling. I’m too much of a Niebhurian realist, I take my Romans seriously: call it simul justus et peccador Multinational Version. Besides I firmly believe that the only way to change is while in dialogue. If we all take our balls home without playing; then what happens? Dialogue and relationship are the only way to truly change. Chick-fil-a corporate does not need to be around less LGBT folks, they need to be around them more. Only then would they realize that the gays are not out to destroy them, but do truly need the occasional cholesterol fix, themselves.[6]

If it is to be proved that our society is teetering on the edge of a deep abyss,[7] the hullabaloo about Chick-fil-a is exhibit a. The fact they we have wasted so much time and energy about one rich white dude’s spending habits,[8] says we really don’t have enough going wrong in our lives. We need some better hobbies. Maybe we could take up vampire lit, and idolize young female stars who play their love interests; nothing could go wrong there. Wait, what happened yesterday while I was tweeting sweet , sweet burns[9] about the local Chick-fil-a owner? Son of a biscuit, to the google machine, we got another one to burn in the glare of public ridicule.


[1] And I don’t mean having to cut back to afford a monthly supply of simvastin.

[2] Or that may just be the summer cold I have been fighting the past week. I realized things were bad when I was upset to be woken up by a roommate doing laundry at 10:30 p.m. What was I doing asleep at 10:30?

[3] Pick your -maggedon, according to Beck et al, it is probably occurring now (or soon), and Obama is definitely responsible. Pour your money into those Super-Pacs cause we gonna prove he is a non-American, Muslim, Socialist, Fascist sleeper agent set to explode on the country in January 2013. Forget the Mayans, 2013 is where the end lies.  

[4] I didn’t boycott Disney because the Baptists said to [but then again neither did the Baptists]. One exception would be Union issues. I never give money to organizations with striking workers. Seriously when a sports league is striking my standard practice is to not buy gear, or really pay any attention to the sport. When the writers went on strike, I refused to watch new programming. So am I being hypocriticial here, maybe I’m a little guilty.

[5] I cheered when USA had character Augie Anderson refuse to give his girlfriend a diamond ring.

[6][6] Right here I’m calling out all the peeps saying, they did not really like them, anyway. Come on, they are what friend I know has called, “little pieces of heaven.” You know you like the waffle fries. No one is pulling your hipster card for admitting it. O.K. Maybe they will, but it was going to happen at some point anyway. Trust me, you hit a certain age, and someone shows up at your door with that hipster disdain, and sticks their hand out, huffily, while typing phrases you don’t understand into a device you have never seen before, and have no clue what it does.

[7] An assertion I do not believe for a second. For me politicians are a like bad romances. To quote one of my favorite This American Life episodes about a bad break-up: “b….s gonna come, and b….s gonna go; but you are my brother, and that is ,like family. And family, that is, like, forever.” To explain the American people and the Evangelical church are like family, and the politicians and demagogues are in this case, our b….s.

[8] Which for the record have been spectacularly unsuccessful. Gays are free to be in the military; and are gaining rights nationally. DOMA is on the ropes. Prop 8 is a cuss word. He might as well gone out to San Francisco and handed out million dollar checks to any gay person who agree to move to Canada. That might have actually worked better. Except when they took the money and bought homes in the gated suburbs, and people like myself pretended to be gay long enough to get a check for our own homes.

[9] A sample: “What has 2 thumbs and makes sweet, sweet love to the proprietary batter recipe, that guy…”

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